If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
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[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro