if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them