@IndecisiveJones

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

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@aissalanis

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

@man_spach

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

@EpicurusRising

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!

*holds up severed head

The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.

@Shade510

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

@funflaps

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.