“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)