If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.