If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Think I pulled my liver
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.