“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?
Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
Omg eww, get away from me!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN