me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Yes, autocorrect, I live you too.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?