If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

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I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary


Set a personal record today.

I put 300 lbs on bench press.
I couldn’t lift it, obviously, but once the weight crushed my chest, I was able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Personal best! 🙌


Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending


Hey, Vanilla Ice? Remember when you told America that if there was a problem, you’d solve it?

Time to make good.


I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.


I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis


When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.


We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.