If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
A short story of betrayal:
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE