If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
🗽
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.