If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?