Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error