If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Life cycle of cat
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I just tested negative for patience.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me