If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?