@pineapplepleas

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

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@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@KeetPotato

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

@P1ssed_K1d

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

@UncleDuke1969

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

@NikiWithIssues

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

@itsa_talia

we’re going to have a president named jeb. president jeb.

@Swain_Train47

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@Donna_McCoy

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.