Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
we’re going to have a president named jeb. president jeb.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.