If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
The only equipped I am is ill.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost