If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?