If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.