@Tbone7219

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

- @Tbone7219

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@QwertyJones3

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

@barfolishus

If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.

@QuietPsycho

I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family

@lawbsterfest

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

@Cheeseboy22

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.