If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

- @Tbone7219

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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”



If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.


I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family


Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.



Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.


Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?


If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”


I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.