@Daveastated

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

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@SardonicTart

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.

@shipwrecksean

I’m looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@Knorg

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

@theshantilly

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@timdonakowski

If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be