“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
You have been warned.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.