@lawyerthoughts

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

@Cheeseboy22

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@Gre_Gone

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@Thedudish

My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk

@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

@Michael1979

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

@internetluke

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!