@lawyerthoughts

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

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@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

@spotswoj

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

@markydoodoo

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@lakeanagirl

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@lisaxy424

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

@markleggett

I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.