If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him