[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*