Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.