@WhoCuppedMyCake

If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.

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@djdarrellripley

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@summerofbenny

I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.

@Lisaley

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@My_Ego_Altered

I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@LostCatDog

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

@krisv_723

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

@J_Illunninati

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.