If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Time heals everything 🙂
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.