If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment