“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

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On my first day of college my dad’s only advice was “don’t date any of your teachers!” Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.


[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading


I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.


For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it


7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.


When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.


Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.


If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?


EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.