Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
You Might Also Like
A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: maybe I should turn on the news
[17 seconds later]
Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned