“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Baking is just science you can eat.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself