@TheBoydP

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

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@brynnester

Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin

@msmegmensa

A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.

@Shade510

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@ericsshadow

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

@LostFelicia

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

@1StevieKilner

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

@Divergentmama

Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned