On my first day of college my dad’s only advice was “don’t date any of your teachers!” Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!
Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.