If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
that colleague who touches your screen
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.