If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭