If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
You Might Also Like
Cndnsd Mlk
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Ha
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not