[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
2022: I can fix it