If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.