If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Who called it baking and not making love
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist