If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible