@AngryRaccoon2

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

You Might Also Like

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”

Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”

@BestWorstAdvice

I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@ElizaBayne

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

@shadonium

What I hated the most in Facebook?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
See more

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

@DriftLight

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.