If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.