Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”
Doctor: “YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
What I hated the most in Facebook?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I only shower to give my phone time to charge.