If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.