If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
it’s finally my moment to shine
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously