@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

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@joshgondelman

The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.

@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes

@hipstermermaid

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

@perfect_messs

[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.

@KrangTNelson

RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food

ME: that’s great. love it

RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run

ME: no

@tweetsbyrocket

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

@humanwarnings

The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.