@cervixsmash

If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

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@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@novicefather

Friends don’t let friends have friends. Be a friend, don’t be a friend.

@Marlebean

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

@pattonoswalt

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

@50FirstTates

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

@voldemortsbicep

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

@Angibangie

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

@KyleMcDowell86

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.