FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
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Friends don’t let friends have friends. Be a friend, don’t be a friend.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.