If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
For the ones in the back.
@ candidates for local office
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”