If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Going to church you guys need anything
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I triple waxed for this?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay