@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

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@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@lecalabara

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

@david8hughes

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.