If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.


Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.


I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read.


Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*


Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.


[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”