Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”