If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
You Might Also Like
The Punning Dead.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.