@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

You Might Also Like

@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@mydmac

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@prttylttleditty

Twitter is where the nerds from highshool shine because we know how to use correct grammar, metaphors, & sarcasm correctly. And we can read.

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

@MommyWhoTweets

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

@david8hughes

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”