If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”
[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Me: I woke up
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.