If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.


Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


Can I call you?
Crush: Yes
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up


I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.


Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare


Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.


My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys


The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.