If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.