If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.


Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.


drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”


Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?


A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.


Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? ūüôā

Me: oh God no


Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.


Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.


‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.