If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.