If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I didn’t realize that was an option
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*