@SarahFemme

If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

@brendohare

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@reallifemommy3

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

@Hobo_Splendido

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

@carlyken

My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.

@ManvAlcohol

I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

@PresTightrhymes

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

@donni

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

@ObscureGent

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?