Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Truth
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you