If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*


Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”


Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.


Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!


local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application


My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.


I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.


Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!


Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee


Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?