If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

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My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh


me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit


[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?


*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out


Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”


Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.


[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible ๐Ÿ˜‰

date: yes ๐Ÿ˜‰

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked


If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.