Follow your dreams, into traffic.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: I am not wearing pants today.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out
Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick: