If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey