If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.