If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.