Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”