Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches