@sophielou

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

- @sophielou

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@flashember

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@JuanLikeHell

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@KoKeniSasquatch

Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?

@AristotlesNZ

Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet

@joeljeffrey

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*