If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
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t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place