Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If your name is spelled Duhniayle, don’t hate me when I mispronounce it.
Hate your parents & their ridiculous spelling decisions.
You Might Also Like
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**
Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower.
Mine is Crankshaft Tulip
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”