@samuelhlowe

If your name is spelled Duhniayle, don’t hate me when I mispronounce it.

Hate your parents & their ridiculous spelling decisions.

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@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@GrantTanaka

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

@duplicitron

What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

@LaLuchaNix

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

@YourDailyGroan

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@popcorn_dog

[Dark room]

**taco crunch**

Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium

**slow taco crunch**

@bombfunk75

Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower.

Mine is Crankshaft Tulip

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”