I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The news in a nutshell.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
That’s easy for you to say
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.