If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
This is hilarious….
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.