Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Bring back the McRib
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch