If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp